Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Darkness and Light

And there was darkness for the space of many days...

Depression is really a scary place to be.  It is dark and cold and lonely.  And it hurts, emotionally and physically.  I don't talk much about my struggles with depression. I don't like the looks people give me, but I really can't blame them.  What DO you say to someone who just wants to cry all day?  And what if it really IS contagious?! - just kidding.  (Being able to joke again is a wonderful blessing!) 

I think the scariest part of depression for me is the distortion of truth.  I hear all these awful lies in my head and for awhile I actually believe them.  I know that it is Satan.  And I know that I just need to reach out to God and He will rescue me.  And that is hard.   It is hard because one of the lies Satan tells me is it that "no one cares - no one loves you - not even God."  So instead of reaching out to those who DO love me, I crawl deeper into that awful pit. 

But God is faithful and I know He never leaves my side.   He loves me.  I know because even when I don't have the strength to hold on anymore, He grabs my hand and lifts me up.  He sends someone to give me a hug.  He sends a butterfly to land on my knee as I sit crying under a tree.   Or He reminds me of a scripture or song that gives me strength to go on.  He knows exactly what I need to remind me to smile and push Satan out of my head. 

I am so grateful I have God in my life.  I cannot imagine facing that awful darkness all by myself.  And I am learning that gratitude is my key to open the door back into the light.  When I turn away from the lies and focus instead on the truths I know and express my gratitude for them, Satan loses his hold on me.  And then I have the power to open the door...

And then there is light!


  1. You don't have to suffer alone Toni. I love you and I know you know those around you love you. Depression is so sinister and diabolical and I hate that you have to suffer with this. Scott and I have both had to suffer with depression and I would never wish it on anyone. I hope that if you ever need you will call or facebook me. I will do better about reaching out to you because I often feel like people are so busy and have it so much more together than me, what could I have to offer them! lol. The lies we tell ourselves.
    love you

  2. I love you, Toni! I hope you are doing much better this week!